Category Archives: ramble

On First Loves

First Loves are complicated.

I remember the first time I looked at a girl and had some interest in her.

It was a vague interest, mostly because she was cute, but I was never too interested in cuteness.

I am a man of intellect and abstraction, after all, so I wanted something more interesting than that.

I found a girl that interested me enough in the last year of middle high, a transfer student with a peculiar accent, beautiful hands, weird teeth and the most amazing conversation.

Her quirkiness had set her apart from the rest of the class. I was already apart, but a broken leg meant that during sports we were often left alone.

I learned that I was Weird, but that I wasn’t the only Weird person my age in the world.

The decisive moment, to me, was during graduation ball, with all my classmates wearing these long, pastel-colored dresses that their families had picked.

She was wearing a black, short dress.

She blew my mind, of course.

That was graduation, of course, and a shy little boy never worked the courage to talk to her again.

But of course, that wasn’t my first love: It was my first crush, and it was one that showed me that I loved the unusual.

All this talk is just to provide some context, because my first love was considerably more complicated.

We had known each other for years already. She started working as soon as she finished High School, while I continued through University. We often got together with our friends, went to the movies, hung around. Our friends moved on, but we still kept in touch. Eventually, she became my best friend in the whole world, and we shared both good and bad. We were comfortable, for the most part, as just friends, and that was fine.

But we also had some distinct differences: Our religious views, goals in life, family situations. But despite all that, there was some connection there that was very important for both of us, something that made Us distinct. I loved her, as a friend, and admired her.

But, over time, that familiar love and admiration got a new intruder: A growing awareness of her beauty, of her physicality, of her body.

And this, this…. terrified me.

This emotion drove me away from her, slowly but surely, while my mind raced to find excuses as to why I shouldn’t spend time with her: Our different religious views, our life paths and careers, and the most horrible of all, self-convincing myself that I wasn’t Good Enough For Her.

In retrospective, none of that mattered. I never cared about her religious views, and a life path is irrelevant as long as you know what you want.

The main Destructive Factor was myself, my own twisted emotions.

So I chose to lose myself in that Destruction, with the secret hope that she could look through all that and see that I was in pain, that all I wanted was to be acknowledged.

I sent her a letter, with harsh, horrible words I cannot even remember. I can only recall the feeling of becoming a Demon with the secret hope of being able to look beyond that.

She was so hurt, she couldn’t reply. She never actually replied.

I lost my best friend.

Years later, one day after watching an awesome movie with a friend, I dropped her off at her house and realized that this friend, who was a relatively minor crush, was someone I could never feel properly attracted to, and thus could not fall in love with her.

It hit me… That emotion, that combination of things, it had been love, and it had burned me.

That day, for the first time in who knows how long, I cried from realizing that I had broken my own heart in the worst possible way.

 

And then, I fell asleep, deep under the ocean waves, under layers and layers of misdirection, lies and negative emotion, only to protect myself, and the wounds I inflicted on myself and could not let heal, lest I forget them.

Another poor choice.

 

On the bright side, I am trying to make things work out in me, for once.

On the not-so-bright side, these emotions are under-developed by 10 years, every little thing still makes them hurt like hell, and they feel like they don’t “fit” with the rest of me anymore.

Got a lot of work ahead of me, I think.

 

And I’m scared, of being hurt even more, of losing more beautiful and important things, of getting closer.

 

I fee like I am 15 again, after having seen that beautiful girl say goodbye forever, and I can’t reach out to her… Only now I can reach out, stay and not make the same mistakes, not lose myself in that Destruction, and try to be honest and see where that leads me.

Borrowing the words of a wise man: So it goes.

The Importance of Disney’s “Paperman”

It’s been quite some time, hasn’t it?

I’ve just been busy, that’s all.

I’ve been meaning to write about this subject for quite some time, ever since I saw “Wreck-it Ralph” at the theaters.

However, at the same time I had no way of truly knowing how to properly express my feelings and opinions on this Disney Masterpiece.

I’m not talking about “Wreck-it Ralph”, which is an amazing movie in its own right.

I’m talking about the 6-minute short that precedes that film, “Paperman”.

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24 Hour Comic Day – The Creative Process and Links

Making a 24 Hour Comic is hard, that much I have told you many times before.

However, I think I must also tell you that it’s much harder when you do it without some kind of structure to work on.

In my “all-random” days, I used to go at it one page at a time until I got close to the cut-off page, then I wrapped things up in some way. If I needed more pages, I often included more characters or information that was not actually needed. There was very few planning or structure, for that matter.

However, since last year I started experimenting with a more structured approach: Thumbnails -> Drawing.

Last year I did all my Thumbs before I even started drawing the final pages, only to realize I needed more pages to finish the story that had been brewing in my head. I decided to commit to the idea of making more pages anyways, so I started to roll with it until I realized there was WAY too much ri-dunk-ulous drama and pacing issues, so I ended up doing some on-the-fly improv with some pages to get the whole thing back on track.

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24 HOUR COMIC DAY

First Post:

Hour 6 just passed.

Expect hours every 6 updates.

WAIT WHAT.

First Edit:

EDIT: Updated. Also: Around TEN MINUTES behind schedule. Was 1.5 hrs behind schedule, but caught up due to AWESOME. Also, feeling HELLA TIRED NOW. Don’t want to use Lifeline #1, but probably will for the last 6 pages. SO. It’s time for a little break, otherwise I will not be able to continue at a good pace. This story’s pace is a bit slower than previous years, and that is intentional: Michelle does not feel like saying what she needs to say. But she will, OH SHE WILL, in the next 6 pages, I think, maybe. She *should*. I mean, I already know how this is gonna end…

Turns out, I was wrong: I had a vague idea of how it was gonna end. I was surprised.

EDIT2: Page 18 is now done. 30 min ahead of time. Super Sleepy. Gonna try watching the Orionid shower. Will probably take lifeline soon. The Twist has been shown, but the real deal begins now. I CAN SEE THE ENDING.

The ending still surprised me. Ninja-like.

I started at 12:50 PM on Saturday. It is now 11:20 AM on Sunday, and this comic is done. I will now proceed to leave a couple of words about it.

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Remember when I said Touhou was becoming “a thing”?

Remember: Read from Top to Bottom before reading Left to Right.

Both weeks’ worth of comics, with some much-necessary minor editing on last week’s 4-panel, and 4 new panels.

If you had the power to read minds, wouldn’t that make you the ultimate voyeur? You could see other people’s fantasies, and maybe understand them better than they could.

It’s a dangerous power.

My version of Satori is not a  nice person. She’s quite likely a pervert that knows way too much about humans. The veracity of her words is unverifiable, though, but I’d like to think she likes to use that knowledge for fun, too.

Anyways, next week we visit another comedy duo from the underground. A not-quite-standard pairing,.. Yet I’m not making pairings here! We’re trying to make comedy! Expect disasters.

CIRNO DAY 2012

You remember that time I made some stuff for Cirno Day? Like, two years in a row?

Heck, I remember there being a third year… And I also remember going crazy with it. Real crazy.

Well, this year I would like to believe I outdid myself.

Not in my lateness, because that’s such a relative term.

It was calculated tardiness.

I really outdid myself.

I can’t even remember what I’m referencing anymore.

It’s probably worth mentioning that the first game of the Windows Touhou Games, The Embodiment of Scarlet Devil, came out on August 11th, 2002.

So, yeah, I’m not pulling the date out of my ass or anything.

There will be more blog posts talking about weird stuff as soon as I can get the dictation working so I can write the stuff while I do other things like COOKING or LIVING.

See you soon.

The Katawa Shoujo Review That Was Never Meant to Be

I had planned to start the New Year by making a big-ass blog post.

Big. Enough.

And as soon as I found out that Katawa Shoujo was to be released on the 4th, I said “Great! I can start the year by reviewing the game!”

So I start playing the game.

And after a day, I realize one thing: This review is not gonna happen, at least not the way I envisioned.

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Day of the Dead

My favorite Mexican holiday is this day, November 2nd, the Day of the Dead.

Why? Aren’t there better holidays, like Independence Day? Or Revolution Day? Or Work day!?

And to that I answer: No.

Independence? From what? Spain? 200 years later and we’re still chained to our preconceptions, our drama, our self-indulging tragedies, our blaming. We’re  not free.

Revolution? From what? Nothing has changed. We’re still governed by the same rules, ideas and beliefs than we did 100 years ago.

They Day of the Dead, though, is probably the only Holiday that has survived, despite date changes, Catholicism and horrible governments, for thousands of years.

And it’s always been far more productive, inspiring and delicious than all the others.

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